Temptation Of The Blade
by Delectable Sweetness
Summary: Each piece of plastic that hit the tiled floor seemed to weigh a thousand pounds. It seemed to echo around the room, but maybe it was just her ears playing tricks. She wasn't sure if she could do it. Then, she remembered the pain… the hollow, emptiness.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own SVU or any of its characters. They belong to Dick Wolf. No copy infringement intended. However, I do own my own writing, the plot to this story and my own characters, Delectable Sweetness©.**

**Author's Note: Okay, so I thought of this and thought it could make a good story. I think some of its pretty much AU in terms of some of Casey's background. I hope you guys like it. *_***

**Warning: Contains themes of self-harm.**

Temptation Of The Blade

She sat on the cold floor, her back pressed up against the cool bathtub. Hot salty tears streamed down her face. She let out a sob as she held the razor in her hand. Her gaze was fixed on the plastic object. She didn't know what to do. She had never cut herself before and doing it now seemed like a betrayal to herself… a betrayal to her.

It would make the pain she felt become all that more real. She couldn't take it anymore. She didn't sleep anymore and when she did she always woke up screaming from nightmares. The only thing that had ever made her feel safe and loved was Alex, but she was no longer here. She was gone. She was no longer there to take away her pain. _She had to go,_ her conscience told her. _But, did she really?_ No! She didn't have to go, but she chose to and now she was all alone. She needed a new way to get rid of the pain and right now the only option seemed to lie in her hand.

She looked to the plastic object, memories of her traumatic past rearing its ugly head. The physical and mental abuse she had suffered from her step-father, nobody helping her when she cried out. The fact that she had been trapped there until she had been ready to leave for college, had been another factor in her mental state right now. She had been trapped, unable to escape.

Then, when she had thought that everything was going right for once, she had met Charlie. At first everything was perfect, but then he changed. He stopped taking his medication and he beat her non-stop for days.

Finally, she had left him, once again feeling free. But, she still felt the pain, and that was when she had met Alex.

Alex was a God send. They had met in their third year of law school and they had been inseparable. Alex had managed to coax her into telling her story, and she had helped her get into counselling.

Once again, everything had seemed to be going great, but then Alex had left her. She had taken a job in LA. That had broken her heart and the loneliness she felt brought back up the memories that she had tried so hard to bury. Her state of mind was no longer positive and outgoing, but sad and lonely.

She came out of her thoughts. Her eyes were now blurry with tears. Sniffling, she began to break the razor apart, trying to take out the blade. Each piece of plastic that hit the tiled floor seemed to weigh a thousand pounds. It seemed to echo around the room, but maybe it was just her ears playing tricks. She was sure that nobody outside in the other rooms could hear it. They would never know what she was about to do.

Finally! She held the sharp piece of metal in the palm of her hand, just staring at it. It was so small, yet if used right, it could cause considerable damage. She knew not to go too deep, though. She wasn't trying to commit suicide, she just needed a release from all the pain and hurt. This would be her relief.

Shakily, she held the blade to her left wrist, putting slight pressure on it. She hesitated. She wasn't sure if she could do it. Then, she remembered the pain… the hollow, emptiness.

Her lower lip trembled at what she was about to do. Just as she was about to drag the sharp piece of metal across her wrist, she heard a familiar voice. "Casey, it's me, honey." She spoke softly. "Can you open the bathroom door, please?" She sounded worried.

Casey stopped what she was about to do. Her hand froze as she looked up at the wooden door. The door was right across from the bathtub. Casey couldn't believe that Alex was standing outside. She was actually outside. Her heart thumped with worry. Would she know what she was about to do?

Casey tried to swallow past the lump in her throat, but she couldn't. Instead a muffled cry escaped her lips. Could she still go through with what she was about to do? What would Alex think? Would she be ashamed of her? Maybe she would leave her again, like she had already done, not wanting to deal with all of her drama. That thought made her heart constrict in her chest even more. She couldn't lose the woman she still loved.

"Please, Casey… open the door?" She sounded so worried.

Her long, red hair swayed as she shook her head, even though Alex couldn't see her. "I… I can't." Gritting her teeth, she set her resolve and dragged the metal blade across her skin, the crimson liquid pouring out as the blade formed a line across her wrist. The blade clattered to the tiled floor. It seemed to echo around the room with the weight of what she had just done.

"Why not?"

"You won't want me anymore." She sobbed. Now, she felt guilty for what she had done, but that small moment of pain seemed to give her a relief from everything else. It had made her feel free even it was only for just a moment. She placed her hand over her wrist, putting pressure on the cut. The crimson liquid oozed through her fingers, the redness of it stood out against her pale skin, like red paint was thrown across a white wall.

"What do you mean?" She sounded confused.

Casey heard the lock begin to jiggle and watched as the key fell out of the lock onto the bathroom floor. She stared at the door as the locked clicked, proof that it was now unlocked. The wooden door gently pushed open. She just sat there, not moving as she watched Alex slowly walk into the bathroom. Her cheeks were burning and her eyes and nose hurt. She averted her eyes from Alex's gaze, ashamed at what she had done.

Looking back up slightly, she watched through teary eyes as Alex rushed over to her and dropped to her knees. "Oh my God Casey, what have you done?" She asked, panicked. She gripped her wrist, trying to stop the bleeding. Alex pulled a small towel off of the hand rail and removed her hand from her wrist, she wrapped it around it.

"I-I'm sorry." She whispered.

Sighing, Alex sat back on her heels. Looking down at her hands, she tried to swallow past the lump in her throat as she gazed at the blood on her palms, the sight making her nauseous. Sniffling, she didn't really pay attention to what Alex was doing as she stood up. She just sat there stone still, resembling a statue at that moment in time.

Alex began to help her up off of the ground. Casey complied, but she didn't say anything. She felt a slight bit of comfort as Alex wrapped her warm arm around her shoulders and led her over towards the sink. She turned on both the hot and cold water, adjusting it so it was warm. Gently pealing the towel away, she put her hands under the running water. Casey just stood there as the warm water washed away the blood, destroying some of the evidence of what she had done.

She brought her stinging eyes up when Alex opened up the medicine cabinet and began rooting around for the first aid kit. When she found it, she pulled it down and opened it up. She dried her hands and gently dabbed the towel along her wrist. Rooting around the first aid box, she pulled out some antiseptic wipes. Ripping them open she cleaned the wound. Casey knew it was to make sure that it wouldn't get infected. When she was finished she pulled out a band aid roll. Cutting some off, she gently placed it over the cut on her wrist.

Alex washed her hands again and then dried them. She once again wrapped her arm around her shoulders and began leading her out of the bathroom. Leaning into her, she sniffled as she began leading her towards her bedroom. She was grateful for that. She felt so tired and weak. All she wanted to do was sleep.

When they were in her room, Alex slowly led her over to her bed. She pulled away from her for a moment, causing her to whimper from the loss of contact. She watched as she rolled down the covers to her bed. She gently gripped her hand and helped her in. She willingly lay down and let her cover her up.

She sighed as she tried to relax, smiling a little when Alex ran her warm hand along the top of her head. "Stay with me," she mumbled with her eyes already half closed.

"Always," she heard her whisper, as she lay down on the bed and wrapped her arms around her.

**Author's Note: So what did you think? Was it any good? I think this is going to be a two-shot, the second chapter being from Alex's POV, so you can see how she found out about Casey. Do you want me to continue on with this short story? Or leave it as a one-shot? You decide. *_***

**Review please. *_* xxx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: So here's the next chapter. I hope I don't disappoint you guys. *_* I also want to say a big thank you to everyone who reviewed. Honestly, I wasn't expecting so much, and each one of them put a big, goofy grin on my face, so thank you? All of you are seriously awesome and have made my day. *_***

Chapter 2

Alex rolled over with a groan when she heard her phone ringing. Sighing, she picked it up, not bothering with checking the caller ID.

"Hello?" She said sleepily.

"_Alex?"_

"W-who is this?" She asked, trying to supress a yawn.

"_Alex… it's, Olivia." _

Alex's eyes shot open. Why would Olivia be calling her during the middle of the night? Sure they talked on the phone occasionally, but not so much since she had left New York. "Don't think I'm not happy to hear from you, but Olivia… why are you calling me now?" She asked, confusion filling her voice.

"_Um… it's Casey…" _she trailed off.

Alex sat up, now more alert. Her mind started going a mile a minute. Why would Olivia be calling her about Casey? She hadn't seen or heard from Casey since she had walked out of her apartment, leaving her to go to LA. Sure, she had asked Olivia about her, but she had been vague on the subject of Casey, which is why she was confused that she was calling her about her now. "What about, Casey?" Her brow furrowed.

"_Lex… Casey's in… a bad… way…"_ she trailed off, sighing.

"What?" She exclaimed, her heart beginning to pound in her chest. What was wrong with Casey? "Liv… w-what's wrong… with… C-Casey?" She stammered.

"_She's depressed, Alex,"_ Olivia spoke softly.

"Depressed? You called me because she's… depressed?" She winced at her tone of voice. It made her sound heartless. "Sorry, sorry," she mumbled into the receiver. "It's just… I'm three thousand miles away… What can I do?" She whispered the last part.

"_She's not just depressed… She's become self-destructive, Alex_." Olivia said. _"I know… it's a lot to ask, but… maybe you could come back and… talk to her…_ _Maybe get her some help. I think she'll listen to you,"_ she said softly, trying to convince her.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Alex yelled into the phone, frustrated at the fact that the woman she still loved was hurting and she wasn't there to help her.

"_She seemed fine!"_ Olivia exclaimed. _"I mean… of course she was depressed_ _when you left, but we thought she had picked herself up and moved on. But… over the last few weeks… she's just gotten worse._ _She won't talk or let anyone help her."_ She paused for a moment. _"She needs you, Alex,"_ she finished.

Alex just sat there with tears streaming down her cheeks. The feeling of guilt quickly overcame her, her body shaking from silent sobs. She knew what she had to do. Kicking the blankets off of her, she hopped out of the bed. "I'm on my way." She spoke hurriedly, as she pulled on her clothes.

Hanging up the phone she threw it on the bed and finished pulling on her clothes. She ran around her room, grabbing things and throwing them on her bed, getting them ready for packing.

XXX

She kept an emotionless mask on her face, as she sat quietly in the back of the taxi. She had her hands folded and resting in her lap, her eyes directed towards them. Her long, blonde hair fell down around her face, as she tried to stop the tears from falling. She couldn't cry, not now. She wasn't one to display her emotions publicly and she wasn't going to start now.

She sighed slightly. She supposed she had started to block her emotions out the night she had left Casey and for what, a job? She had left the woman she loved for a job!

She sometimes couldn't believe that she had chosen a job over love. Everyone was right. She was taking after her mother, and that was not something Alex was particularly proud of. Her mother had chosen her job over her family on many occasions, and that had been something that Alex had sworn she would never do, yet… she had and now it broke her heart.

It may have given her many great opportunities in the world of law, but at what cost?

She lost her friends, _her_ love… _her_ _Casey!_

Pulling her lower lip through her teeth, she came out of her thoughts. She looked out the window of the taxi, the lights of the concrete jungle passing her by. She couldn't deny that it felt weird to be back in Manhattan again after two years, two long years. Everything felt so different to her, yet everything still felt the same. It was confusing. Maybe it was her heart telling her that she had missed her home more than she had been letting on.

"Can't you go any faster?" She asked impatiently, aiming her question towards the cab driver.

He looked over his shoulder at her, giving her an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, it's a traffic jam. I can't get through it."

She sighed, as her head thumped against the window. The drive towards Casey's apartment felt like it was taking hours. She was just so worried about Casey. She thought about running the fifty blocks to her apartment, but she wasn't sure if she would get there faster than if the taxi had brought. Groaning, she decided to stay in the taxi, knowing that it probably would get her there faster.

XXX

She let out a breath of relief when the taxi finally pulled up outside of Casey's apartment complex. She quickly pulled some money out of her purse and practically slung it at the cab driver, as she hastily climbed out of the car.

Sucking in a deep breath, she walked up the footpath and into the building. She hurried inside and jumped onto one of the available elevators, pressing the third floor. She waited rather impatiently for the elevator to stop. Her heart continued to thump in her chest and she wasn't sure that it would calm down any time soon.

Finally it stopped. The doors gently slid open and Alex could feel her heart begin to race even more, as she stepped off of it. She was a little scared about seeing Casey, but she knew she had to. She couldn't just walk away and leave her… again.

When she reached Casey's apartment, she knocked on the door. She waited for a moment, receiving no answer. She knocked again. A stray tear rolled down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away, as she knocked again, and again, and again.

Sighing, she pulled out the spare key to Casey's apartment. She had given it to her two years ago, telling her that she could come around whenever she had wanted to. When she had left for LA, she had never given it back. Instead, she had always kept in close to her.

Shoving it into the lock, she twisted it and then pulled down the handle, pushing open the mahogany door. Walking in, she shut the door behind her and locked it. She looked around the familiar place. Everything was the exact same. Casey didn't seem to have done much with it. Maybe she liked it the way it was.

"Casey?" She called out. When she received no answer, she headed towards her bedroom, sure that she would be in there.

When she walked into the room, she sighed when she couldn't see Casey. _Maybe she's not home, _she thought to herself. She was about to turn around and walk out of the room when she heard a noise coming from the bathroom. Making her way towards it, she stood outside of the door. Pressing her ear to it, she could make out what the noise was. It was Casey sobbing. Her heart broke even more.

Standing outside the bathroom door, she gently knocked. "Casey? It's me, honey." Alex spoke softly. "Can you open the bathroom door, please?" She pleaded. When she didn't get a reply, she spoke again. "Please Casey… open the door? She asked, worry and concern filling her voice.

Tears rolled down her cheeks, as she rested her forehead against the door. She wanted so, bad for Casey to open the door. All she wanted to do was wrap her up in her arms and comfort her.

"I… I can't," Casey finally spoke.

Alex frowned. "Why not?"

There was a slight pause before she spoke again. "You won't want me anymore."

Her brow furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean?" She asked through the door. _What a dumb question, Alex. She means you're going to leave her again!_ She thought angrily to herself. She knew she couldn't blame Casey for thinking that. She had left her once. She couldn't help but wonder if Casey thought she would do it again.

God, why wouldn't Casey open the door?

She wiped her eyes, realisation finally hitting. Biting her lip, she ran over to Casey's bedroom door and yanked the key out of it. She ran back over to the bathroom door and shoved the key into it and began to jiggle it, trying to knock the other key out of it.

The bathroom key and Casey's bedroom key were identical, which meant that it would work in both locks. She didn't care if Casey wanted privacy. She was hurting and Alex wasn't just going to stand outside and let Casey deal with this on her own. She wanted to help her.

When the door was unlocked, she gently pushed it open. When she stepped into the room, her gaze fixed on Casey. She was sitting cross legged on the cold ground with her back pressed against the bathtub. Her eyes were red and puffy and her nose looked red and raw. Her heart broke at the sight.

She frowned when she noticed the way Casey was sitting. Her right hand was tightly gripping her left wrist. That's when Alex noticed it. The broken bits of plastic that lay scattered on the floor and the blade that lay beside her knee. Her eyes went wide and her body began to fill with panic. Casey averted her gaze, looking ashamed.

Rushing over to her, she dropped to her knees. "Oh my God Casey, what have you done?" She asked, panicked. She gripped her wrist, trying to stop the bleeding. Alex pulled a small towel off of the hand rail and removed Casey's hand away from her wrist, and wrapped it around it.

"I… I'm sorry." She whispered.

Sighing, Alex sat back on her heels. Looking down at her hands, she tried to swallow past the lump in her throat as she gazed at the blood on her hands – Casey's blood. It didn't look right. It looked wrong… so wrong. Standing up, she quietly moved to the sink and washed the blood off of her hands. She watched as the red blood mixed with the water and flowed down the drain. Picking up one of the bigger towels, she dried her hands.

She looked to Casey who still hadn't moved. She just sat there stone still. If Alex didn't that she was alive and human, she would think that she was a statue.

Slowly, she walked back over to Casey. Bending down, she began to help her up off of the ground. Casey complied, but she didn't say anything. Alex wrapped her arm around her shoulders and led her over towards the sink. She turned on both the hot and cold water, adjusting it so it was warm. Gently pealing the towel away, she put Casey's hands under the running water. She looked at any reaction Casey might have given, but nothing. She was like a zombie.

Alex watched as the warm water washed away the blood. The little cut was now clearly visible. She let out a small sigh of relief when she seen that the bleeding had eased up. It wasn't so bad now. The wound was starting to cloth. Opening up the medicine cabinet, she rooted around for the first aid kit. When she found it, she pulled it down and opened it up. She dried Casey's hands and gently dabbed the towel along her wrist. Rooting around the first aid box, she pulled out some antiseptic wipes. Ripping them open she cleaned the wound, making sure that it wouldn't get infected. Then she found a band aid roll. Cutting some off, she gently placed it over the cut on Casey's wrist.

Alex washed her hands again and then dried them. She once again wrapped her arm around Casey's shoulders and began leading her out of the bathroom. She tightened her grip on Casey when she leaned into her. She listened as Casey sniffled, as the two of them walked over to her bed.

Alex pulled away from her for a moment, her heart breaking when she heard Casey whimper. Just seeing her so hurt, hurt her. In fact it killed her and all she wanted to do was take away her pain.

She rolled down the covers to her bed. Looking back at Casey, she gently gripped her hand and helped her into the bed. When Casey lay down, she pulled the bed covers up over her, tucking her in, making sure that she was warm and snug.

Alex ran her warm hand along the top of her head. "Stay with me," Casey mumbled with her eyes already half closed.

Smiling a little, she moved the covers back and climbed under them, wrapping her arms tightly around the woman she loved. "Always," she whispered, as she pressed a soft kiss to her head.

**Author's Note: So what did you think? Was it any good? I hope I didn't disappoint, and yes I know that the end of it got familiar, but it was from Alex's POV about what she felt when she saw Casey. I don't think it's as good as the first, though.**

**Anyway, I've gotten a lot of requests asking me to make this a multi-chaptered story. I'm thinking about it now, but I'm still not sure. I have another Casey/Alex story running through my head with a similar plot. That one will be a multi-chaptered fic.**

**If I was to continue on with this one, though, which way would you want the next chapter and rest of the story to go? A continuation on from this with flashbacks about their past? Or start from the very beginning? Like having the next chapter, say ten years earlier and continue on from there?**

**So the big question is, do you want me to continue with this or write my new multi-chapter Casey/Alex fic. You decide. *_***

**Review please. *_* xxx**


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